THIS FUCKING BOOK RIGHT HERE IS AN ABSOLUTE MONSTROSITY OF AWFULNESS. I HATE THAT I HAVE TO READ IT BECAUSE I GET HORRIFICALLY ANGRY EVERY COUPLE OF PAGES AND HAVE TO PUT THIS SHIT DOWN
BEFORE I GET TO THE GOOD/BAD RAGE SPEW ABOUT WHY I HATE THIS BOOK, HERE’S A HISTORY LESSON, FUCKERS!!
THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK IS CHRETIEN DE TROYES, A TWELFTH CENTURY FRENCH POET WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALMOST EVERY REALLY DETAILED PART OF ARTHURIAN LEGEND. HE DIDN’T INVENT ARTHUR, BUT HE DAMN NEAR INVENTED EVERYTHING ELSE!!
LANCELOT?!
THIS DICKWRINKLE MADE HIM UP!!
ARTHUR’S COURT BEING AT CAMELOT?!
HE MADE THAT SHIT UP TOO!!
THE FUCKING ROUND TABLE?!
HELLZ YEAH BITCHES, YOU CAN BET YOUR SWEET ASSES GODDAMN CHRETIEN MOTHERFUCKIN’ SHITTIN’ DE TROYES CAME UP WITH THAT ONE!!
BASICALLY THIS AUTHOR IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT IN THE ENTIRE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND THE FUCKER DIDN’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH
NOW TO THE BOOK ITSELF!!
AS AN ENGLISH MAJOR, YOU CAN BET YOUR MOTHERJIZZING SOUL THAT I WAS FUCKING THRILLED TO BE READING A BOOK BY SUCH A MOTHERFUCKING IMPORTANT ASS AUTHOR AND THE BEGINNING WAS NOT DISAPPOINTING:
IT STARTS WITH KING ARTHUR ON A HUNT DOIN’ HIS KINGLY THING HUNTIN A WHITE STAG AND THE PRIZE FOR KILLING SAID STAG IS A KISS FROM THE FAIREST LADY IN THE LAND. IGNORING THE IMPLICIT OBJECTIFICATION AND TROJAN WAR LEVEL POTENTIAL BITCH FITS THAT COULD HAPPEN IF ARTHUR PICKS ONE LADY WHEN ANOTHER CLEARLY THINKS SHE’S PRETTIER, IT’S NICE AND ARTHURIAN AND SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A MOTHERFUCKING FAIRYTALE.
HOWEVAH!!
THIS PART IS ONLY RELEVANT BECAUSE ARTHUR BROUGHT HIS WIFE ALONG, AND EREC, ONE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TITULAR CHARACTERS IS KEEPING HER COMPANY WHILE HUBBY’S DOIN’ HIS HUNTIN’ THING (THOUGH NOT IN THE SAME WAY LANCELOT WOULDA A KEPT HER COMPANY THOUGH, NO MA’AM GET YO SHITTY HEADS OUT THE GUTTER).
THEY RIDIN ALONG (NOT SEXUALLY) AND THEY SEE A STRANGE KNIGHT WITH A PRETTY LADY AND A DWARF. GUINEVERE’S CURIOUS, SO SHE SENDS HER HANDMAID OVER TO HAVE THE KNIGHT COME SEE THEM, AND THE KNIGHT’S DWARF GETS IN THE WAY AND SMACKS HER. MAID GOES BACK AND OFFENDED GUINEVERE SENDS EREC OVER, AND THE DWARF HANDS HIS ASS TO HIM AND IT ROCKS AND THIS IS WHERE THE STORY STOPS BEING FUN.
ANGRY EREC DECIDES TO FOLLOW THE FUCKING KNIGHT, PRETTY DECORATIVE LADY, AND THE KICKASS DWARF (I’D LIKE TO THINK OF HIM AS PETER DINKLAGE).
HE ENDS UP IN A TOWN FAR, FAR AWAY WHERE THEY HAVE ANOTHER PRETTY LADY CONTEST THAT INVOLVES CATCHING A HAWK, WHICH IS WHY SNOOTY KNIGHT IS THERE WITH HIS DWARF AND LADY DECORATION.
EREC DECIDES TO TAKE SHELTER WITH THIS POOR BUT NOBLE KNIGHT AND ON PAGE 13 WE MEET THE KNIGHT’S DAUGHTER, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LADY EREC HAD EVER SEEN. I’M LIKE “OH!! THIS MUST BE ENIDE, THE OTHER TITULAR, THEREFORE EQUALLY IMPORTANT CHARACTER! THEY FALL IN LOVE YAY ROMANCE!!”
(Being a romantic and a feminist are not mutually exclusive, everyone).
BUT THEY KEPT TALKING AND TALKING AND TALKING ABOUT HER!!
PAGES 40-63:
"I HOPE THE FUCKING DWARF IS ENIDE AT THIS POINT THAT IS THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS BETTER."
BUT NO!! FINALLY, AFTER FIFTY FUCKING PAGES SHOWING EREC WINNING A FIGHT WITH THE SNOOTY KNIGHT, WINNING THE HAWK CONTEST FOR THE AS-YET-UNNAMED-LADY, TAKING HER BACK TO ARTHUR’S COURT, AND PLANNING A WEDDING IN BETWEEN THE PRAISE FOR HER BEAUTY AND VIRTUE AND FUCKING BLONDENESS WE GET HER NAME.
(Surprise, it’s ENIDE).
WANNA KNOW WHEN WE FIND OUT HER NAME?!
RIGHT. BEFORE. SHE MARRIES.
THAT’S RIGHT!! ONE OF THE TITULAR CHARACTERS ESSENTIALLY HAS NO IDENTITY UNTIL SHE TIES HERSELF TO A MAN!!
AND THIS GODDAMN FUCK PILE OF A BOOK CONTINUES TO ANGER AND DISAPPOINT ME FROM THERE!!
THERE’S A SEX SCENE IN THIS BOOK. NOT PARTICULARLY DESCRIPTIVE, BUT SURPRISINGLY EXPLICIT FOR A MEDIEVAL WORK AND THERE’S DESCRIPTION OF HOW GREAT IT WAS BEFORE ENDING WITH “and Enide endured it all.”
THAT’S RIGHT ENIDE!! YOU GO GIRL!! LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND!!
NOT.
AND NOW FOR THE PART THAT MADE ME SO ANGRY I HAD TO PUT THIS SHIT DOWN!!
PAGE 104 AND 105.
MOTHER. FUCKING. PAGE ONE HUNDRED FUCKING FOUR AND GODDAMN ONE HUNDRED SHITTING FIVE!!
ENIDE AND EREC ARE ON A JOURNEY AND THEY STOP AT AN INN. A COUNT OR SOME OTHER ROYAL DUDE TELLS HER THAT SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, AND HE’S IN LOVE WITH HER. HER RESPONSE, LIKE ANY GOOD PERSON’S IS: “I AM MARRIED. NO THANK YOU.”
AND HIS RESPONSE?! HIS FUCKING RESPONSE!?! IN EXACT WORDS, THIS IS WHAT THIS TRASH SAYS:
"You can’t stoop to my love, Woman? You are far too proud! I ask, even beg you, and you won’t do what I want? Women are known to be prideful. The more they’re asked, the more they deny, but those who treat them badly are much better served."
EXCUSE ME?! EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME, I WAS NOT AWARE THAT I HAD BEEN TRANSPORTED BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS FUCKING SOUNDED LIKE!! ALL I GOT OUT OF THIS WAS:
"WAAAAAH!!! FRIENDZONE!!! ALL WOMEN DATE ASSHOLES!!"
I HALF EXPECTED THE FUCKER TO PUT ON A FEDORA SHAPED HELMET AND RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET ON A PONY NAMED APPLEJACK WHILE WAVING A “NOT ALL MEN” BANNER!!!
THIS WAS WRITTEN IN LIKE 11-FUCKING-50, AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED MALE ENTITLEMENT IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!
ANYWAY, I WANT TO GO BACK IN TIME, FIND THIS AUTHOR, AND BE LIKE:
AND THEN ANOTHER COUNT COMES RIDING BY, SEES HER CRYING OVER HER BLOODSOAKED (NOT ACTUALLY DEAD) HUSBAND, AND SAYS "LADY, SHED NO MORE TEARS!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, AND I SHALL MARRY YOU, DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?"
BEFORE I GET TO THE GOOD/BAD RAGE SPEW ABOUT WHY I HATE THIS BOOK, HERE’S A HISTORY LESSON, FUCKERS!!
THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK IS CHRETIEN DE TROYES, A TWELFTH CENTURY FRENCH POET WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALMOST EVERY REALLY DETAILED PART OF ARTHURIAN LEGEND. HE DIDN’T INVENT ARTHUR, BUT HE DAMN NEAR INVENTED EVERYTHING ELSE!!
LANCELOT?!
THIS DICKWRINKLE MADE HIM UP!!
THE HOLY GRAIL QUEST?!
DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE AFOREMENTIONED DICKWRINKLE!!
DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE AFOREMENTIONED DICKWRINKLE!!
ARTHUR’S COURT BEING AT CAMELOT?!
HE MADE THAT SHIT UP TOO!!
THE FUCKING ROUND TABLE?!
HELLZ YEAH BITCHES, YOU CAN BET YOUR SWEET ASSES GODDAMN CHRETIEN MOTHERFUCKIN’ SHITTIN’ DE TROYES CAME UP WITH THAT ONE!!
BASICALLY THIS AUTHOR IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT IN THE ENTIRE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND THE FUCKER DIDN’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH
NOW TO THE BOOK ITSELF!!
AS AN ENGLISH MAJOR, YOU CAN BET YOUR MOTHERJIZZING SOUL THAT I WAS FUCKING THRILLED TO BE READING A BOOK BY SUCH A MOTHERFUCKING IMPORTANT ASS AUTHOR AND THE BEGINNING WAS NOT DISAPPOINTING:
IT STARTS WITH KING ARTHUR ON A HUNT DOIN’ HIS KINGLY THING HUNTIN A WHITE STAG AND THE PRIZE FOR KILLING SAID STAG IS A KISS FROM THE FAIREST LADY IN THE LAND. IGNORING THE IMPLICIT OBJECTIFICATION AND TROJAN WAR LEVEL POTENTIAL BITCH FITS THAT COULD HAPPEN IF ARTHUR PICKS ONE LADY WHEN ANOTHER CLEARLY THINKS SHE’S PRETTIER, IT’S NICE AND ARTHURIAN AND SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A MOTHERFUCKING FAIRYTALE.
HOWEVAH!!
THIS PART IS ONLY RELEVANT BECAUSE ARTHUR BROUGHT HIS WIFE ALONG, AND EREC, ONE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TITULAR CHARACTERS IS KEEPING HER COMPANY WHILE HUBBY’S DOIN’ HIS HUNTIN’ THING (THOUGH NOT IN THE SAME WAY LANCELOT WOULDA A KEPT HER COMPANY THOUGH, NO MA’AM GET YO SHITTY HEADS OUT THE GUTTER).
THEY RIDIN ALONG (NOT SEXUALLY) AND THEY SEE A STRANGE KNIGHT WITH A PRETTY LADY AND A DWARF. GUINEVERE’S CURIOUS, SO SHE SENDS HER HANDMAID OVER TO HAVE THE KNIGHT COME SEE THEM, AND THE KNIGHT’S DWARF GETS IN THE WAY AND SMACKS HER. MAID GOES BACK AND OFFENDED GUINEVERE SENDS EREC OVER, AND THE DWARF HANDS HIS ASS TO HIM AND IT ROCKS AND THIS IS WHERE THE STORY STOPS BEING FUN.
ANGRY EREC DECIDES TO FOLLOW THE FUCKING KNIGHT, PRETTY DECORATIVE LADY, AND THE KICKASS DWARF (I’D LIKE TO THINK OF HIM AS PETER DINKLAGE).
HE ENDS UP IN A TOWN FAR, FAR AWAY WHERE THEY HAVE ANOTHER PRETTY LADY CONTEST THAT INVOLVES CATCHING A HAWK, WHICH IS WHY SNOOTY KNIGHT IS THERE WITH HIS DWARF AND LADY DECORATION.
EREC DECIDES TO TAKE SHELTER WITH THIS POOR BUT NOBLE KNIGHT AND ON PAGE 13 WE MEET THE KNIGHT’S DAUGHTER, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LADY EREC HAD EVER SEEN. I’M LIKE “OH!! THIS MUST BE ENIDE, THE OTHER TITULAR, THEREFORE EQUALLY IMPORTANT CHARACTER! THEY FALL IN LOVE YAY ROMANCE!!”
(Being a romantic and a feminist are not mutually exclusive, everyone).
BUT THE REALITY WAS VERY FUCKING DIFFERENT.
THIS GIRL WAS ENIDE, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT FOR FIFTY. FUCKING.PAGES.
I HAD TO READ FIFTY FUCKING PAGES ABOUT HER BEAUTY AND VIRTUE AND BLONDENESS (NOT EVEN KIDDING) FOR FIFTY. FUCKING. PAGES. I CAN BREAK DOWN MY REACTIONS TO THOSE PAGES:
PAGES 13-22-ISH:
THIS GIRL WAS ENIDE, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT FOR FIFTY. FUCKING.PAGES.
I HAD TO READ FIFTY FUCKING PAGES ABOUT HER BEAUTY AND VIRTUE AND BLONDENESS (NOT EVEN KIDDING) FOR FIFTY. FUCKING. PAGES. I CAN BREAK DOWN MY REACTIONS TO THOSE PAGES:
PAGES 13-22-ISH:
"IS THIS ENIDE? IT MIGHT BE ENIDE. IT COULD BE ENIDE. I HOPE IT’S ENIDE."
PAGES 22-40-ISH:
PAGES 22-40-ISH:
"I’m not sure this is Enide. Wouldn’t she have been named by now if this lady was important?"
BUT THEY KEPT TALKING AND TALKING AND TALKING ABOUT HER!!
PAGES 40-63:
"I HOPE THE FUCKING DWARF IS ENIDE AT THIS POINT THAT IS THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS BETTER."
BUT NO!! FINALLY, AFTER FIFTY FUCKING PAGES SHOWING EREC WINNING A FIGHT WITH THE SNOOTY KNIGHT, WINNING THE HAWK CONTEST FOR THE AS-YET-UNNAMED-LADY, TAKING HER BACK TO ARTHUR’S COURT, AND PLANNING A WEDDING IN BETWEEN THE PRAISE FOR HER BEAUTY AND VIRTUE AND FUCKING BLONDENESS WE GET HER NAME.
(Surprise, it’s ENIDE).
WANNA KNOW WHEN WE FIND OUT HER NAME?!
RIGHT. BEFORE. SHE MARRIES.
THAT’S RIGHT!! ONE OF THE TITULAR CHARACTERS ESSENTIALLY HAS NO IDENTITY UNTIL SHE TIES HERSELF TO A MAN!!
AND THIS GODDAMN FUCK PILE OF A BOOK CONTINUES TO ANGER AND DISAPPOINT ME FROM THERE!!
THERE’S A SEX SCENE IN THIS BOOK. NOT PARTICULARLY DESCRIPTIVE, BUT SURPRISINGLY EXPLICIT FOR A MEDIEVAL WORK AND THERE’S DESCRIPTION OF HOW GREAT IT WAS BEFORE ENDING WITH “and Enide endured it all.”
THAT’S RIGHT ENIDE!! YOU GO GIRL!! LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND!!
NOT.
AND NOW FOR THE PART THAT MADE ME SO ANGRY I HAD TO PUT THIS SHIT DOWN!!
PAGE 104 AND 105.
MOTHER. FUCKING. PAGE ONE HUNDRED FUCKING FOUR AND GODDAMN ONE HUNDRED SHITTING FIVE!!
ENIDE AND EREC ARE ON A JOURNEY AND THEY STOP AT AN INN. A COUNT OR SOME OTHER ROYAL DUDE TELLS HER THAT SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, AND HE’S IN LOVE WITH HER. HER RESPONSE, LIKE ANY GOOD PERSON’S IS: “I AM MARRIED. NO THANK YOU.”
AND HIS RESPONSE?! HIS FUCKING RESPONSE!?! IN EXACT WORDS, THIS IS WHAT THIS TRASH SAYS:
"You can’t stoop to my love, Woman? You are far too proud! I ask, even beg you, and you won’t do what I want? Women are known to be prideful. The more they’re asked, the more they deny, but those who treat them badly are much better served."
EXCUSE ME?! EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME, I WAS NOT AWARE THAT I HAD BEEN TRANSPORTED BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS FUCKING SOUNDED LIKE!! ALL I GOT OUT OF THIS WAS:
"WAAAAAH!!! FRIENDZONE!!! ALL WOMEN DATE ASSHOLES!!"
I HALF EXPECTED THE FUCKER TO PUT ON A FEDORA SHAPED HELMET AND RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET ON A PONY NAMED APPLEJACK WHILE WAVING A “NOT ALL MEN” BANNER!!!
THIS WAS WRITTEN IN LIKE 11-FUCKING-50, AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED MALE ENTITLEMENT IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!
ANYWAY, I WANT TO GO BACK IN TIME, FIND THIS AUTHOR, AND BE LIKE:
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE DISAPPOINTMENT AND EXASPERATION HEADING YOUR WAY!!
ENIDE DOESN'T FUCKING SPEAK UNTIL AFTER SHE IS MARRIED
EREC IS WOUNDED, AND ENIDE JUST SCREAMS "DEATH TAKE ME NOW!!", FAINTS, THEN COMES TO AND CONTINUES TO NOT. BE. HELPFUL.
AND THEN ANOTHER COUNT COMES RIDING BY, SEES HER CRYING OVER HER BLOODSOAKED (NOT ACTUALLY DEAD) HUSBAND, AND SAYS "LADY, SHED NO MORE TEARS!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, AND I SHALL MARRY YOU, DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?"
I AM NOT EVEN DONE WITH THIS BOOK, AND I HATE IT TO THE FIERY DEPTHS OF EVERY HELL OF EVERY RELIGION KNOWN TO MAN, ALIEN, AND PRIMATE.
ALSO I KNOW THIS BLOG IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ANECDOTES FEATURING MY OWN BAD LUCK, NOT BOOK REVIEWS, BUT I HATE THIS BOOK SO MUCH, I CONSIDER IT SOMETHING AWFUL THAT HAPPENED TO ME THAT IS ALL. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
ALSO I KNOW THIS BLOG IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ANECDOTES FEATURING MY OWN BAD LUCK, NOT BOOK REVIEWS, BUT I HATE THIS BOOK SO MUCH, I CONSIDER IT SOMETHING AWFUL THAT HAPPENED TO ME THAT IS ALL. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
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