And then you think about how if there really is a fire, the shower is really one of the best places for it, because there is water. Worst case scenario? You die of smoke inhalation. Silver lining? No more worrying about how to pay your student loans
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Fun Facts About Me Courtesy of My Sister
ME: *texting* What’s a fun fact about me? I’m signing up for another internship site, and it’s a question they’re asking.
SISTER: You once damaged a tear duct from sneezing with your eyes open?
ME: That’s actually a fantastic one, but probably not something they really want to know.
SIS: When you get really sweaty, you smell like either a Taco Bell or a Golden Corral?
ME: Golden Corral? Really? Also something they probably don’t want to know.
SIS: You’re single and UNwilling to mingle?
ME: I’ve heard acephobia is a thing, so probably not.
SIS: You watched an entire season of Game of Thrones in a day? You’ve never tried Purple Drank? One time, you and your sister ate an ungodly amount of black-eyed peas?
ME: Possibly Game of Thrones one…unless that makes me look lazy. WHY AM I SO UNINTERESTING?!
SIS: Once when you were fifteen, you cried like a bitch when Dad took your ice cream?
ME: …
ME: I WAS ON MY PERIOD!!
SISTER: You once damaged a tear duct from sneezing with your eyes open?
ME: That’s actually a fantastic one, but probably not something they really want to know.
SIS: When you get really sweaty, you smell like either a Taco Bell or a Golden Corral?
ME: Golden Corral? Really? Also something they probably don’t want to know.
SIS: You’re single and UNwilling to mingle?
ME: I’ve heard acephobia is a thing, so probably not.
SIS: You watched an entire season of Game of Thrones in a day? You’ve never tried Purple Drank? One time, you and your sister ate an ungodly amount of black-eyed peas?
ME: Possibly Game of Thrones one…unless that makes me look lazy. WHY AM I SO UNINTERESTING?!
SIS: Once when you were fifteen, you cried like a bitch when Dad took your ice cream?
ME: …
ME: I WAS ON MY PERIOD!!
Discussing My Course Load With A New School
ACADEMIC ADVISOR: Okay, it looks like you’ll be able to graduate with us next May with no undue strain!! :)
ME: Oh, that’s gre-
HER: You just need to complete 17 credits per semester. You’ll also need 5 English classes, including the course for your senior thesis, and a math credit, because yours don’t exactly fit with our gen ed program.
WHAT I SAID: Totally doable.
WHAT I THOUGHT: I would rather chop off my own arm and butt-fuck myself with it in front of a live studio audience.
Summer of Car Trouble II
A couple of nights after my father's car broke down, I needed to borrow my mother's for the day. So, I dropped her off at work, ran my errands, and then went to pick her up at around three in the morning.
We were driving back home when I rounded a curve and three deer bounded out across the road.
I slammed on the brakes and swerved enough to miss one, while another ran off. I managed to get the car stopped.
...in the same place where the last deer stood staring at us. I knocked it about five or six feet away, and then it got up and ran off. I'm freaking out, and my mother-who is famous for being anxious to the point of needing medication when it comes to driving-was completely calm.
"It's fine. It sounds like you didn't hit hard enough to damage the engine, and that's the important thing."
However, when we got back to the house we realized the ENTIRE passenger side headlight had been knocked out. Not like "glass-covering-the-bulb-was-broken" knocked out, but "literally-everything-that-makes-the-light-work" knocked out. There was just this gaping hole where it used to be.
We were driving back home when I rounded a curve and three deer bounded out across the road.
I slammed on the brakes and swerved enough to miss one, while another ran off. I managed to get the car stopped.
...in the same place where the last deer stood staring at us. I knocked it about five or six feet away, and then it got up and ran off. I'm freaking out, and my mother-who is famous for being anxious to the point of needing medication when it comes to driving-was completely calm.
"It's fine. It sounds like you didn't hit hard enough to damage the engine, and that's the important thing."
However, when we got back to the house we realized the ENTIRE passenger side headlight had been knocked out. Not like "glass-covering-the-bulb-was-broken" knocked out, but "literally-everything-that-makes-the-light-work" knocked out. There was just this gaping hole where it used to be.
The Summer of Car Trouble I
My entire summer was marked by car trouble. I have enough anecdotes for one miles long post or a few smaller ones. I've chosen the second option. TIME FOR THE FIRST STORY:
I had been home from college for about a week. I was driving one of my local friends around in my father's Buick. On our way to a concert, we stopped at a red light and saw that smoke was coming from under the hood. We stop at a gas station, and the realization that my father hadn't driven his car in months bit me in the ass.
The only problem I could see that we could fix right on the spot was that there was absolutely no water/coolant in the engine. I put half a gallon of water in it, and the car started right up with no smoke. All was well. However, my friend thought it was a good idea to stop by my house since it was on the way to our destination and have my father look at the car. I was like,
"Okay. Worst case scenario, you get to have a surprise sleepover."
We made it about a third of the way up the road to my house before the car overheated and died. We walked the rest of the way to my house.
Almost a mile.
Uphill.
She got her surprise sleepover.
I had been home from college for about a week. I was driving one of my local friends around in my father's Buick. On our way to a concert, we stopped at a red light and saw that smoke was coming from under the hood. We stop at a gas station, and the realization that my father hadn't driven his car in months bit me in the ass.
The only problem I could see that we could fix right on the spot was that there was absolutely no water/coolant in the engine. I put half a gallon of water in it, and the car started right up with no smoke. All was well. However, my friend thought it was a good idea to stop by my house since it was on the way to our destination and have my father look at the car. I was like,
"Okay. Worst case scenario, you get to have a surprise sleepover."
We made it about a third of the way up the road to my house before the car overheated and died. We walked the rest of the way to my house.
Almost a mile.
Uphill.
She got her surprise sleepover.
Going Shopping for a Dress After My School Closed...
ME: "My favorite store was closed!"
MY BROTHER: "Not everything in your life is going to close, I promise!"
ME:
MY BROTHER: "Not everything in your life is going to close, I promise!"
ME:
The Worst Thing: The Aftermath
The day it was announced my school was closing, the first thing I did was call my sister. She is the person I'm closest to. We talked about it, and then she was able to distract me by talking about other things. Probably Game of Thrones, because that is a sure-fire conversation starter for me.
And also...
if you need a reminder...
that your situation...
could be WAAAAYYY worse...
than yours...
think of ANY GoT character.
Like...seriously. Don't watch this show.
Where was I going with this again?
OH YEAH!!
Discussion with my sister about my school closing. I was sufficiently distracted, and then I asked about her. The response:
HER: "I'm good. The weather's been kind of shitty up here though. School might cl-"
ME:
"Did you really just stop yourself from saying 'closed?'" (Like you appreciate what that word even means)
HER: "...Maybe."
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