That Feel When A Job Fair, Your Thesis Proposal, 2 Class Presentations, and Planning Your Classes for Next Semester All Fall in the Same Week

AKA Totally fine.

Just gotta be updating my unfortunately ineffectual resume, researching companies that'll be at the fair so I'll hopefully impress them and be able to keep loan companies from coming to break my knee caps this time next year, planning what I'm going to wear, realizing I'm too damn fat for my "professional" skirt, writing my 5-8 page proposal for my senior thesis which inadvertently turned out to be about THE TOPIC FROM HELL, making an annotated bibliography for said hellacious thesis and realizing that I haven't gotten nearly enough reading done, and planning my schedule for next semester which I have to get done by a certain time because I have to register at a certain time and if I don't get the classes I need, I won't graduate on time, and then I have the stuff that I actually have to do for my classes that are not getting done. 

 I haven't missed a single class this week. I'm sleeping well. My stomach totally doesn't feel like it's dissolving into an oozing pile of ulcers.

I'm fine.

Just great.  

"What do we say when the fire alarm goes off while you're in the shower?"

And then you think about how if there really is a fire, the shower is really one of the best places for it, because there is water. Worst case scenario? You die of smoke inhalation. Silver lining? No more worrying about how to pay your student loans

Fun Facts About Me Courtesy of My Sister

ME: *texting* What’s a fun fact about me? I’m signing up for another internship site, and it’s a question they’re asking.

SISTER: You once damaged a tear duct from sneezing with your eyes open?

ME: That’s actually a fantastic one, but probably not something they really want to know.

SIS: When you get really sweaty, you smell like either a Taco Bell or a Golden Corral?

ME: Golden Corral? Really? Also something they probably don’t want to know.

SIS: You’re single and UNwilling to mingle?

ME: I’ve heard acephobia is a thing, so probably not.

SIS: You watched an entire season of Game of Thrones in a day? You’ve never tried Purple Drank? One time, you and your sister ate an ungodly amount of black-eyed peas?

ME: Possibly Game of Thrones one…unless that makes me look lazy. WHY AM I SO UNINTERESTING?!

SIS: Once when you were fifteen, you cried like a bitch when Dad took your ice cream?

ME: …

ME: I WAS ON MY PERIOD!!

Discussing My Course Load With A New School

ACADEMIC ADVISOR: Okay, it looks like you’ll be able to graduate with us next May with no undue strain!! :)

ME: Oh, that’s gre-

HER: You just need to complete 17 credits per semester. You’ll also need 5 English classes, including the course for your senior thesis, and a math credit, because yours don’t exactly fit with our gen ed program.

WHAT I SAID: Totally doable.

WHAT I THOUGHT: I would rather chop off my own arm and butt-fuck myself with it in front of a live studio audience.

Summer of Car Trouble II

A couple of nights after my father's car broke down, I needed to borrow my mother's for the day. So, I dropped her off at work, ran my errands, and then went to pick her up at around three in the morning.

We were driving back home when I rounded a curve and three deer bounded out across the road.

I slammed on the brakes and swerved enough to miss one, while another ran off. I managed to get the car stopped.

...in the same place where the last deer stood staring at us. I knocked it about five or six feet away, and then it got up and ran off. I'm freaking out, and my mother-who is famous for being anxious to the point of needing medication when it comes to driving-was completely calm.

"It's fine. It sounds like you didn't hit hard enough to damage the engine, and that's the important thing."

However, when we got back to the house we realized the ENTIRE passenger side headlight had been knocked out. Not like "glass-covering-the-bulb-was-broken" knocked out, but "literally-everything-that-makes-the-light-work" knocked out. There was just this gaping hole where it used to be.

The Summer of Car Trouble I

My entire summer was marked by car trouble. I have enough anecdotes for one miles long post or a few smaller ones. I've chosen the second option. TIME FOR THE FIRST STORY:

I had been home from college for about a week. I was driving one of my local friends around in my father's Buick. On our way to a concert, we stopped at a red light and saw that smoke was coming from under the hood. We stop at a gas station, and the realization that my father hadn't driven his car in months bit me in the ass.

The only problem I could see that we could fix right on the spot was that there was absolutely no water/coolant in the engine. I put half a gallon of water in it, and the car started right up with no smoke. All was well. However, my friend thought it was a good idea to stop by my house since it was on the way to our destination and have my father look at the car. I was like,

"Okay. Worst case scenario, you get to have a surprise sleepover."

We made it about a third of the way up the road to my house before the car overheated and died. We walked the rest of the way to my house.

Almost a mile.

Uphill.

She got her surprise sleepover.

Going Shopping for a Dress After My School Closed...

ME: "My favorite store was closed!"

MY BROTHER: "Not everything in your life is going to close, I promise!"

ME:

The Worst Thing: The Aftermath

The day it was announced my school was closing, the first thing I did was call my sister. She is the person I'm closest to. We talked about it, and then she was able to distract me by talking about other things. Probably Game of Thrones, because that is a sure-fire conversation starter for me.

And also...

if you need a reminder...

that your situation...

could be WAAAAYYY worse...

than yours...

think of ANY GoT character.

Like...seriously. Don't watch this show. 

Where was I going with this again?

OH YEAH!! 

Discussion with my sister about my school closing. I was sufficiently distracted, and then I asked about her. The response:

HER: "I'm good. The weather's been kind of shitty up here though. School might cl-"

ME:

"Did you really just stop yourself from saying 'closed?'" (Like you appreciate what that word even means)

HER: "...Maybe."

The Worst Thing

Arguably, the worst thing to happen to me happened on March 3, 2015. That was the day my college would be closing forever due to "insurmountable financial difficulties." They said that the class of 2015 would be the last graduating class.

I am a member of the class of 2016. Surely, they wouldn't just...give up? Not when I only had one year left. But, it seemed like that was what would happen. The place that had been my home for the last three years-the entirety of my adult life-was going to close, and I was in the wind. I had nowhere else to go, no idea what I was going to do. For weeks afterward, I wandered around in a state of shock. I couldn't focus on my schoolwork. I missed work a few times. Obviously, I couldn't focus on writing a blog.

Things ultimately worked out in the end. The school remained open, but I was able to get some good stories out of it.

I'M BAAACK

I was distracted for the last few months, but I have returned. Anecdotes to come!!

Apparently Bad Luck is Genetic...

This always seems to happen. When I want to make fun of my misadventures, they stop happening. Oh well. I do have a rather unfortunate story about my younger brother, showing that bad luck is, unfortunately, genetic.

Little background about my little brother: He's special needs, so developmentally, he's at least a few years behind his age group. If I had to describe him in a trope, he would be a gentle giant. He doesn't like being the center of attention, but his appearance is important to him, and he likes fitting in.

Where could this POSSIBLY be going?

It happened over break. I was still at home for the winter, while it was the weekend before my brother was to go back to high school. Unfortunately for him, he was having the beginning of an acne break out, so his face was stuck in that phase where the blemishes aren't ready to be taken care of, but they are in fact noticeable.

Thinking he could get around the fact that the pimples were NOT ready to be squeezed, he tried to squeeze them.

Basically, the poor guy tore a piece out of his chin, but did very little for the gross stuff under the surface. VERY basically, his face looked like the inside of a pomegranate by the time the fool was done with it.

So, who wants pomegranate juice?

Anyway, he gets to school, and THIS is how people react:

The teacher instantly called the nurse at the sight of it, and she decides, based on looks, because my brother sure as hell isn't telling her he mauled his own face, that it is in impetigo.

Anyone know what impetigo means? I didn't when I read the note she sent home. I only found out when my nurse mother got off work and read the note.

The school nurse thought my brother had a highly contagious STAPH infection.

We're cleared it up with the nurse, telling her that he was just a BIT too overenthusiastic with his grooming, but my brother was like this pretty much the entire week:

All my poor, unassuming, doesn't-want-attention brother wanted was to look nice before he went back to school.

He ended up mauling his own face and almost getting quarantined for possibly having Staph.

Just...poor bastard.

IMA TELL YOU FUCKERS ABOUT A THING!!

THIS. BOOK.

THIS FUCKING BOOK RIGHT HERE IS AN ABSOLUTE MONSTROSITY OF AWFULNESS. I HATE THAT I HAVE TO READ IT BECAUSE I GET HORRIFICALLY ANGRY EVERY COUPLE OF PAGES AND HAVE TO PUT THIS SHIT DOWN

BEFORE I GET TO THE GOOD/BAD RAGE SPEW ABOUT WHY I HATE THIS BOOK, HERE’S A HISTORY LESSON, FUCKERS!!

THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK IS CHRETIEN DE TROYES, A TWELFTH CENTURY FRENCH POET WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALMOST EVERY REALLY DETAILED PART OF ARTHURIAN LEGEND. HE DIDN’T INVENT ARTHUR, BUT HE DAMN NEAR INVENTED EVERYTHING ELSE!!

LANCELOT?!

THIS DICKWRINKLE MADE HIM UP!!

THE HOLY GRAIL QUEST?!

DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE AFOREMENTIONED DICKWRINKLE!!

ARTHUR’S COURT BEING AT CAMELOT?!

HE MADE THAT SHIT UP TOO!!

THE FUCKING ROUND TABLE?!

HELLZ YEAH BITCHES, YOU CAN BET YOUR SWEET ASSES GODDAMN CHRETIEN MOTHERFUCKIN’ SHITTIN’ DE TROYES CAME UP WITH THAT ONE!!

BASICALLY THIS AUTHOR IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT IN THE ENTIRE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND THE FUCKER DIDN’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH

NOW TO THE BOOK ITSELF!!

AS AN ENGLISH MAJOR, YOU CAN BET YOUR MOTHERJIZZING SOUL THAT I WAS FUCKING THRILLED TO BE READING A BOOK BY SUCH A MOTHERFUCKING IMPORTANT ASS AUTHOR AND THE BEGINNING WAS NOT DISAPPOINTING:

IT STARTS WITH KING ARTHUR ON A HUNT DOIN’ HIS KINGLY THING HUNTIN A WHITE STAG AND THE PRIZE FOR KILLING SAID STAG IS A KISS FROM THE FAIREST LADY IN THE LAND. IGNORING THE IMPLICIT OBJECTIFICATION AND TROJAN WAR LEVEL POTENTIAL BITCH FITS THAT COULD HAPPEN IF ARTHUR PICKS ONE LADY WHEN ANOTHER CLEARLY THINKS SHE’S PRETTIER, IT’S NICE AND ARTHURIAN AND SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A MOTHERFUCKING FAIRYTALE.

HOWEVAH!!

THIS PART IS ONLY RELEVANT BECAUSE ARTHUR BROUGHT HIS WIFE ALONG, AND EREC, ONE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TITULAR CHARACTERS IS KEEPING HER COMPANY WHILE HUBBY’S DOIN’ HIS HUNTIN’ THING (THOUGH NOT IN THE SAME WAY LANCELOT WOULDA A KEPT HER COMPANY THOUGH, NO MA’AM GET YO SHITTY HEADS OUT THE GUTTER).

THEY RIDIN ALONG (NOT SEXUALLY) AND THEY SEE A STRANGE KNIGHT WITH A PRETTY LADY AND A DWARF. GUINEVERE’S CURIOUS, SO SHE SENDS HER HANDMAID OVER TO HAVE THE KNIGHT COME SEE THEM, AND THE KNIGHT’S DWARF GETS IN THE WAY AND SMACKS HER. MAID GOES BACK AND OFFENDED GUINEVERE SENDS EREC OVER, AND THE DWARF HANDS HIS ASS TO HIM AND IT ROCKS AND THIS IS WHERE THE STORY STOPS BEING FUN.

ANGRY EREC DECIDES TO FOLLOW THE FUCKING KNIGHT, PRETTY DECORATIVE LADY, AND THE KICKASS DWARF (I’D LIKE TO THINK OF HIM AS PETER DINKLAGE). 

HE ENDS UP IN A TOWN FAR, FAR AWAY WHERE THEY HAVE ANOTHER PRETTY LADY CONTEST THAT INVOLVES CATCHING A HAWK, WHICH IS WHY SNOOTY KNIGHT IS THERE WITH HIS DWARF AND LADY DECORATION.

EREC DECIDES TO TAKE SHELTER WITH THIS POOR BUT NOBLE KNIGHT AND ON PAGE 13 WE MEET THE KNIGHT’S DAUGHTER, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LADY EREC HAD EVER SEEN. I’M LIKE “OH!! THIS MUST BE ENIDE, THE OTHER TITULAR, THEREFORE EQUALLY IMPORTANT CHARACTER! THEY FALL IN LOVE YAY ROMANCE!!”

(Being a romantic and a feminist are not mutually exclusive, everyone).

BUT THE REALITY WAS VERY FUCKING DIFFERENT.

THIS GIRL WAS ENIDE, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT FOR FIFTY. FUCKING.PAGES.

I HAD TO READ FIFTY FUCKING PAGES ABOUT HER BEAUTY AND VIRTUE AND BLONDENESS (NOT EVEN KIDDING) FOR FIFTY. FUCKING. PAGES. I CAN BREAK DOWN MY REACTIONS TO THOSE PAGES:

PAGES 13-22-ISH:

"IS THIS ENIDE? IT MIGHT BE ENIDE. IT COULD BE ENIDE. I HOPE IT’S ENIDE."

PAGES 22-40-ISH:

"I’m not sure this is Enide. Wouldn’t she have been named by now if this lady was important?"

BUT THEY KEPT TALKING AND TALKING AND TALKING ABOUT HER!!

PAGES 40-63:

"I HOPE THE FUCKING DWARF IS ENIDE AT THIS POINT THAT IS THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS BETTER."

BUT NO!! FINALLY, AFTER FIFTY FUCKING PAGES SHOWING EREC WINNING A FIGHT WITH THE SNOOTY KNIGHT, WINNING THE HAWK CONTEST FOR THE AS-YET-UNNAMED-LADY, TAKING HER BACK TO ARTHUR’S COURT, AND PLANNING A WEDDING IN BETWEEN THE PRAISE FOR HER BEAUTY AND VIRTUE AND FUCKING BLONDENESS WE GET HER NAME.

(Surprise, it’s ENIDE).

WANNA KNOW WHEN WE FIND OUT HER NAME?!

RIGHT. BEFORE. SHE MARRIES.

THAT’S RIGHT!! ONE OF THE TITULAR CHARACTERS ESSENTIALLY HAS NO IDENTITY UNTIL SHE TIES HERSELF TO A MAN!!

AND THIS GODDAMN FUCK PILE OF A BOOK CONTINUES TO ANGER AND DISAPPOINT ME FROM THERE!!

THERE’S A SEX SCENE IN THIS BOOK. NOT PARTICULARLY DESCRIPTIVE, BUT SURPRISINGLY EXPLICIT FOR A MEDIEVAL WORK AND THERE’S DESCRIPTION OF HOW GREAT IT WAS BEFORE ENDING WITH “and Enide endured it all.”

THAT’S RIGHT ENIDE!! YOU GO GIRL!! LIE BACK AND THINK OF ENGLAND!!

NOT.

AND NOW FOR THE PART THAT MADE ME SO ANGRY I HAD TO PUT THIS SHIT DOWN!!

PAGE 104 AND 105.

MOTHER. FUCKING. PAGE ONE HUNDRED FUCKING FOUR AND GODDAMN ONE HUNDRED SHITTING FIVE!!
ENIDE AND EREC ARE ON A JOURNEY AND THEY STOP AT AN INN. A COUNT OR SOME OTHER ROYAL DUDE TELLS HER THAT SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, AND HE’S IN LOVE WITH HER. HER RESPONSE, LIKE ANY GOOD PERSON’S IS: “I AM MARRIED. NO THANK YOU.”

AND HIS RESPONSE?! HIS FUCKING RESPONSE!?! IN EXACT WORDS, THIS IS WHAT THIS TRASH SAYS:

"You can’t stoop to my love, Woman? You are far too proud! I ask, even beg you, and you won’t do what I want? Women are known to be prideful. The more they’re asked, the more they deny, but those who treat them badly are much better served."

EXCUSE ME?! EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME, I WAS NOT AWARE THAT I HAD BEEN TRANSPORTED BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THIS FUCKING SOUNDED LIKE!! ALL I GOT OUT OF THIS WAS:

"WAAAAAH!!! FRIENDZONE!!! ALL WOMEN DATE ASSHOLES!!"

I HALF EXPECTED THE FUCKER TO PUT ON A FEDORA SHAPED HELMET AND RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET ON A PONY NAMED APPLEJACK WHILE WAVING A “NOT ALL MEN” BANNER!!!

THIS WAS WRITTEN IN LIKE 11-FUCKING-50, AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED MALE ENTITLEMENT IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE!!

ANYWAY, I WANT TO GO BACK IN TIME, FIND THIS AUTHOR, AND BE LIKE:

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE DISAPPOINTMENT AND EXASPERATION HEADING YOUR WAY!!

ENIDE DOESN'T FUCKING SPEAK UNTIL AFTER SHE IS MARRIED

EREC IS WOUNDED, AND ENIDE JUST SCREAMS "DEATH TAKE ME NOW!!", FAINTS, THEN COMES TO AND CONTINUES TO NOT. BE. HELPFUL.

AND THEN ANOTHER COUNT COMES RIDING BY, SEES HER CRYING OVER HER BLOODSOAKED (NOT ACTUALLY DEAD) HUSBAND, AND SAYS "LADY, SHED NO MORE TEARS!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, AND I SHALL MARRY YOU, DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?" 

I AM NOT EVEN DONE WITH THIS BOOK, AND I HATE IT TO THE FIERY DEPTHS OF EVERY HELL OF EVERY RELIGION KNOWN TO MAN, ALIEN, AND PRIMATE.

ALSO I KNOW THIS BLOG IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ANECDOTES FEATURING MY OWN BAD LUCK, NOT BOOK REVIEWS, BUT I HATE THIS BOOK SO MUCH, I CONSIDER IT SOMETHING AWFUL THAT HAPPENED TO ME THAT IS ALL. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

Wheelchairs

Not much interesting has happened to me bad luck wise recently, so I'ma tell you the story of how I was chastised by an admittedly well-meaning gentleman for riding in an electric wheelchair at Walmart this past summer.

I went to Walmart, and I took an electric wheelchair out of the little dock they have them in and drove it outside. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw this elderly gentleman giving me the stink-eye, but I ignored him, because MY CAUSE WAS NOBLE, DAMMIT. 

I brought the wheelchair to its destination and then walked back into Walmart, and this man was like: 

"Those chairs are for disabled people."

Inside, I was like:

But outside, I was more dignified: "I know. It was for my father. He can't walk that well."
He didn't appear to believe me, but I wasn't particularly interested in his opinion, because I was distracted by the fact that my father didn't seem to be moving. He was just sitting in his chair, looking all helpless and backing up traffic in the parking lot. I went out there and discovered that his electric wheelchair had died.
From this point, the old man who yelled at me WATCHED me:

• Push my 75 year old, three hundred pound, arthritic father from the parking lot to the foyer of Walmart in this dead wheelchair

• Get ANOTHER electric wheelchair for him, only to have it die less than a minute later

• Load my father into a manual wheelchair, and then

• Push him to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GODDAMN STORE to get him an electric wheelchair that wouldn't die on him. 

By the time I was finished and tired before I'd even started my damn shopping, that old man was slinking away and refusing to look me in the eye. I was just like:

Goddamn, Gold-Digging Eyeballs

Because of college, I currently owe:
$180 to an art store for supplies for my art class.
$400 for textbooks
$70 bucks to my roommate
Gas money for my friend.

I currently have:
$3.00

My Eyes: "WE'RE LAZY FUCKS WHO NEED NEW GLASSES!!"

DID YOU HAVE TO PICK RIGHT NOW?!

Dorm Room Problems

You know your room is too goddamn cold when one of your constantly distended nipples actually gets caught on something.

I can't even fucking begin to explain how it happened, only that it hurt like a bitch.

"You're not alone!"

My first week of college, I went to the counselor on campus to talk to her about my homesickness. She advised me to come to a homesickness support group, saying: "You're not alone!"

I went to the support group.

I was alone.

...So alone that even the counselor was late.  

Introduction

Hello!

I am Setback Sarah, and this is a blog dedicated to my numerous misadventures. My tendency to crash and burn (hence the flame-y background), has left me with quite a few stories to tell. Anecdotes involving me getting my fingernails caught in a door, my monstrous car, and money appearing only to have the exact amount taken away will be the fare served here...

...In delicious, bite-size pieces...

May my tendency to crash and burn result in warm laughter for all, (because I sure as fuck hope someone gets more enjoyment out of it than I do.)